Sunday, July 02, 2006
Six
Kk Han said that reading about my recesses was sad/depressing.
I can't say no, though, can I?
Maybe I am a sad person.
Hoho!
.....
Actually ah, I don't really think of myself as a sad person to look at or to know.
Maybe that recess thing just needs getting used to.
And who says I can't recess downstairs with them, right? I can just sit near them or something.
It's no big deal.
So, anyway. Today's the tryouts, and I'm pretty nervous, but I try to be a little confident of myself. Who knows? Maybe I will make it. I wonder how long the practice is going to be. Probably after Asar. Someone said it was after 6. I hope not! It's only the tryouts, after all.
The rest of the family wanted to follow us to the stadium to watch us tryout, but Lily was very firm in that she didn't want them to come. She, Mama and Aba argued for awhile. My parents said that she should get used to having an audience; Loi said that they would laugh at us. My dad says, "Well, of course", and Lily goes, "See?". I didn't say anything. I just half-smiled. I mean, what can I do? It's not like we can stop them if they want to watch them.
But Lily won in the end. I think Aba was a little hurt, like we didn't want people seeing us with him together. Really, that's not it. At all.
I remember one time when he said to me, "One day you are going to be embarassed to be seen with me."
"Pssh," I waved his words away, "No I won't."
"Yes you will," he insisted with a knowing smile. I didn't say anything. His words were pretty sad. I just smiled and repeated in my head
I won't I won't I won't.
That was a couple of years ago. His premonition has yet to come true. I see no reason why I should be embrassed being seen with him.
I wonder if he's hurt. I hope not. If he is, then I'd rather he come. Just to make him feel better.
Speaking of feeling better, I thought about what it would be like if only one of us - meaning Loi and I - got through to the competition. I wonder if I will cry if only she gets through. How embarassing! The cryin part, I mean. Heck, I wonder if
she will cry if only I get through.
But I made a decision, though, thinking about it. If only I get through, and Lily doesn't, and she cries, then I'd quit the tournament. I mean, only if she wants me to, of course. I don't think I can stand entering the competition knowing that Lily feels sad or bad about it. If it comes down to that, then I'd sacrifice the competition and leave. You know, to make her feel better.
It's nothing heroic really. Sacrifice isn't always heroic. In this case, it's really just selfishness. Because if she feels bad, I'd feel bad too.
Hey, who knows? Maybe both of us will make it.
1:10 PM
