Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Three
I just read ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’.
It was so sad!
I nearly cried.
.....
Recess today was harder than I thought it would be. I was recess-ing alone, and came down late (I accidentally took Anna's shoes, and vice versa, so I had to run up and down the stairs 3 times), so by the time I had bought my lunch, almost all the seats were taken. Going down was not an option, so I had to look for seats in the canteen. I had to look for an empty seat; then ask the nearest person if the seat was taken. Twice the person said that yes, it was, so I had to move on. Third time proved to be a charm, and even though I was 'rejected' only twice, it was an awkward an embarrassing process, though no one probably watched me, so no one probably cared. Still.
And because there wasn't anybody to talk to, I ended up listening into other people's conversations. I know, not very nice of me. But it wasn't as if I even understood what they were talking about anyway. The only sentences that I understood were
Person A: Kau carik gaduh je eh!
Person B: Tengah marah ape! Lagi pun, nanti die slalu call balik cakap sorry.
{Persons A B and C laugh, right on cue)
and
Person A: Aku kene marah dengan Zah so-and-so ah.
Person B: Ish!
Person A: Depan satu klass!
Person C: Siak ah!
Stuff like that.
By the time I was done with eating, and had headed upstairs, I was pleased to find the class strangely quiet. Nothing like peace.
(Later on Mas and Fiq approached me.
"Why didn’t you recess with us?" Fiq asked with a pout, "We were waiting for you!"
"Recess ngan kiteorang lah Dee!" Mas chided.
I just smiled. I had no idea what to reply.
I have no idea what to do tomorrow, either)
I also went cycling today. Again, alone. Fortunately, it was better than how I expected it to be, if it was any better in the first place. But the feeling still didn't prove to be any different, because with so many people around, and with such a small and limited place to cycle, I was uncomfortable. Being alone was no fun. Then I remembered what I read in the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. Morrie said:
"...Loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely – but eventually be able to say 'All right, that was my moment of loneliness. I’m not afraid of being lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.'
“Detach.”
So I (tried, anyway) to detach. I stopped thinking about how lonely I was and tried to capture all the sights and sounds around me. I know I know, very sappy. But I'm supposed to be honest here, right? So I'm telling you, that's what I did. The rhythm went like this: down the curved slopes, then there's the sound of the sand crunching beneath the tires. There's the wind rushing, and the sound of gears turning. I brush my head past a huge overhanging fern with a swish, and I cycle around the playground. The seesaw would go thump thump as a kid jumps on it, then I cycle to the curved slopes all the way again, and restart the cycle.
I don't blame you if you skipped that cycle part, by the way. I know I would if it was me reading it.
Anyway, moments later, I checked the time. 15 minutes in! Maybe you're thinking 'You're only half of half an hour through', but considering that I only had half an hour to cycle, it seemed pretty fast. I thought only 5 minutes had gone! I felt content. Who said time always drags by when you’re not having fun?
.....
7:59 PM
