Thursday, June 29, 2006
Five
This is going to be very brief.
Because I'm tired.
Because I'm fasting.
.....
Get this: we have another debate coming up.
And even though it's an English debate, I am NOT looking forward to it.
Unless I'm an audience.
But I'll never know till the debate day itself.
Long story cut extremely short, the debate is next Thursday. The topic is 'Journals/Blogs are Futile and Risky'. Hah! Of course, I don't think it futile at all. But it is risky.
Anyway, who cares? The point is,
I
do
not
like
debates.
Much.
Again, unless I'm an audience.
I just don't like all the fuss.
Or maybe I'm just too tired right now.
.....
2:22 PM
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Four
My dad asked Lily to fast with me and him tomorrow, the three of us.
Lily said she would get too hungry.
I asked Baba if he was going to fast tomorrow.
He said would get too hungry too.
.....
Recess today was less difficult. I had already sat on the top canteen when Fiq came by and said, "Recess kat bawah lah". I didn’t argue. We both went down, found our seats, and ate. I sat a few seats away from Fiq so that, when the rest came, I was sitting at the table next to them, but not sitting exactly beside them. 'Alone together'. One of my favourite oxymorons.
So, anyway. No one talked, and no one did anything much, so I felt pretty good. I mean, it meant that I didn't miss much yesterday, right?
After I finished my lunch (I’ve always been the fastest eater), I excused myself and headed up for the classroom early. Besides Zahidah (who never seems to go down for recess), I was surprised to see Anna there too. She asked me to play badminton with her.
(Btw, I don't know how I long I can keep up sitting on the top and having Fiq drag me downstairs.
Again, I have no idea what to do tomorrow)
"In the classroom?" I asked incredulously.
"Sure," she replied.
Okay, I thought, why not? Alright, so the ceiling is too low. And it does seem ridiculous to play in our small classroom. But it was a lot of fun. The shuttlecock would occasionally hit a couple of heads, and would smack onto the ceiling a couple of other times, but otherwise it was completely harmless. And a lot of fun, did I mention that?
Lesson after that was Arab. Zah announced that we would be having an Arabic debate between our own classmates. There are around 6 teams, and mine is the 4th. There’s Mas, Syahidah, Basirah, Amalina and me. There would be proper interventions during the debate, there are rules, bla bla bla. It doesn’t matter. The point is that I would be having an Arabic debate, and I’m scared! I am horrible at Arabic. I have no idea what to do for the debate. Luckily Syahidah is a top student, so she would be a big help, but still. I have to participate. With my kind of luck, I might get to be the 2nd 3rd or 4th speaker. I’m dreading it. Shoot.
Of course, it’s not our team’s turn for weeks to come.
But still.
Arabic!?!
.....
3:36 PM
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Three
I just read ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’.
It was so sad!
I nearly cried.
.....
Recess today was harder than I thought it would be. I was recess-ing alone, and came down late (I accidentally took Anna's shoes, and vice versa, so I had to run up and down the stairs 3 times), so by the time I had bought my lunch, almost all the seats were taken. Going down was not an option, so I had to look for seats in the canteen. I had to look for an empty seat; then ask the nearest person if the seat was taken. Twice the person said that yes, it was, so I had to move on. Third time proved to be a charm, and even though I was 'rejected' only twice, it was an awkward an embarrassing process, though no one probably watched me, so no one probably cared. Still.
And because there wasn't anybody to talk to, I ended up listening into other people's conversations. I know, not very nice of me. But it wasn't as if I even understood what they were talking about anyway. The only sentences that I understood were
Person A: Kau carik gaduh je eh!
Person B: Tengah marah ape! Lagi pun, nanti die slalu call balik cakap sorry.
{Persons A B and C laugh, right on cue)
and
Person A: Aku kene marah dengan Zah so-and-so ah.
Person B: Ish!
Person A: Depan satu klass!
Person C: Siak ah!
Stuff like that.
By the time I was done with eating, and had headed upstairs, I was pleased to find the class strangely quiet. Nothing like peace.
(Later on Mas and Fiq approached me.
"Why didn’t you recess with us?" Fiq asked with a pout, "We were waiting for you!"
"Recess ngan kiteorang lah Dee!" Mas chided.
I just smiled. I had no idea what to reply.
I have no idea what to do tomorrow, either)
I also went cycling today. Again, alone. Fortunately, it was better than how I expected it to be, if it was any better in the first place. But the feeling still didn't prove to be any different, because with so many people around, and with such a small and limited place to cycle, I was uncomfortable. Being alone was no fun. Then I remembered what I read in the book 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. Morrie said:
"...Loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely – but eventually be able to say 'All right, that was my moment of loneliness. I’m not afraid of being lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.'
“Detach.”
So I (tried, anyway) to detach. I stopped thinking about how lonely I was and tried to capture all the sights and sounds around me. I know I know, very sappy. But I'm supposed to be honest here, right? So I'm telling you, that's what I did. The rhythm went like this: down the curved slopes, then there's the sound of the sand crunching beneath the tires. There's the wind rushing, and the sound of gears turning. I brush my head past a huge overhanging fern with a swish, and I cycle around the playground. The seesaw would go thump thump as a kid jumps on it, then I cycle to the curved slopes all the way again, and restart the cycle.
I don't blame you if you skipped that cycle part, by the way. I know I would if it was me reading it.
Anyway, moments later, I checked the time. 15 minutes in! Maybe you're thinking 'You're only half of half an hour through', but considering that I only had half an hour to cycle, it seemed pretty fast. I thought only 5 minutes had gone! I felt content. Who said time always drags by when you’re not having fun?
.....
7:59 PM
Monday, June 26, 2006
Two
I am fasting.And I am hungry.But I refuse to surrender!
.....
'Ok, bye.'
'Bye Ma.'
After getting out of the car, Lily and I walked down the familiar route towards the school building. Everything looked and felt the same. Even the stray cats were there to welcome us, just like they used to do. I wondered how they ate when no one was around, and if any of them starved to death.
Around 15 minutes later, I trudged up the school stairs along with a teacher (who unlocked the doors) and a dozen other students behind me. Zahira was among them, an Huda, too. As we noisily walked up, shouldering our bags and books, I noticed how, again, everything was just the same as before. 'Even the smell is the same,' we joked. Not that it smelled too bad or anything.
Being one of the first three people to arrive in my class, I had a good look of how it was left before the holidays. Our class was in a pretty bad mess. There were a lot more tables than there usually were, strewn anywhere and everywhere in an improper way. It was hot, too, almost to point that the class felt muggy. There were words on the whiteboard that still hadn't been erased, and everything just looked abandoned. Zahira and I exchanged looks.
"Doesn't look very nice," I wittily commented. Zahira agreed.
But despite how shabby (for lack of better word) it looked, we cleaned it up anyway. In the end, even though the room was small and the extra tables that were pushed against the walls made it look even smaller, it looked just right. Like a second home.
Soon, the class became noisier but better as friends began to file in. There were a lot of greetings and grins, and conversations started right away. I found out that I was wrong into thinking that it was going to be a lonely term. Everything felt normal. Everything felt right.
During assembly, after reciting our prayers, the prinicipal came up to give her talk, or speech, whichever you prefer.
"She's smiling!" Mas, who stood beside me, pointed out excitedly.
To say she was smiling was an understatement. It was more like she was beaming. Widely. Which was why the first sentence she said to us seemed totally out of place.
"It's been a month since we saw each other," she began, "And yet already we are misbehaving, talking while the teacher infront is talking."It took me by such surprise that my mouth dropped open. Literally. Then I shut it again because 1) I did not want to look stupid, and 2) I did not want her to see me with my jaw hanging and ask me why I was so surprised. What was I going to say to that??
The first lesson was English, which was fun. We had 'dates' with friends, and I'd explain further about that, but I'm too lazy to. Then there was Science (the teacher did not come. -__-" At first I said 'Tau tak bawak buku!', then realised that, being the idiot that I am, had accidentally brought Loi's Science book instead of mine. Which meant that Cher not coming was a good thing. Which also meant that I shut up after that), and then Hadith, during which we had to write what we liked and what we didn't like about our class. When Zah called on my name to read what I liked about the class, I read aloud,
"This class is something like a second family. We all always support each other in whatever we do. If there is a class project to complete, we might argue, and there might be dissatisfactions, but we come to through in the end. We are happy together and sad together, and when you return to the same people everyday, it's almost like home."
I received quite some "Awwws" from the others. What can I say? I'm sappy.
By the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good, if not sliiiightly confused. I was really happy that Mus, the rest and I joked as per normal, which was great, but which also made me confused, because it felt exacly like before,when supposedly I wasn't a part of the gang. By the time I was on my way home, I had chalked up a list, albeit a short one.
If You're Not Someone's Close Friend Anymore, But You're Still Their Good Friend, and You Sit With Them, Then The Difference is Either:1) You don't recess or go home with them anymore.
2) You don't share secrets.
That was all I could come up with. Barely any differences, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm all good.
.....
3:43 PM
Sunday, June 25, 2006
One
Right. School's tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Much. Sure, it would be nice to see a couple of friends again, but that's pretty much where the pleasures end.
School's an okay enough place, but I had had a bad month before the school holidays, so I don't blame myself for being a tad pessimistic about going back. After all, I'm not part of my old 'gang' anymore, so I'm guessing that it might just be a lonely 2nd term. Which I cannot stand.
I don't know why I'm not part of the gang anymore... Ok scratch that. I do know. It's because Mus and I aren't as close as we used to be (she said that 'we shouldn't be close friends anymore' in an SMS). And because I'm no longer 'close friends' with Mus, I am no longer a part of the 'gang'.
See, there were, as of previously, 6 people in our gang: me, Mus, Mas, Fiq, Anna and Dinah. So when Mus and I weren't close anymore (putus hubungan. heheh. macam cerite drama), Mas stuck with Mus (cos they're bestfriends), Fiq stuck with Mus (cos she's closer to Mus than to me), Anna stuck with Fiq (cos they're bestfriends), and Dinah... stuck with the majority. I mean, would you choose a loner over your group of close friends? No, you wouldn't.
I still don't know how this started to unravel, though, but the way I see it, I figure that Mus and I just don't click anymore. Like someone said, we're poles apart. 'Opposites attract', sure. But there's opposites, and then there's Mus and me. And when I told her who won in the Amazing Race (we both supported the hippies, so she was the first and only one I SMS-ed. you know, to share the joy), I guess it was the final straw or something. How was I supposed to know that she couldn't stand people telling her who won before she watched it herself?
But we still talk, and we're still good friends, meaning to say we talk normally and don't avoid each other.I appreciate that from Muslihah, not acting like we did something wrong. I really do.
And I don't hold ANY grudges against Mus, or the others, either. I was half expecting this to happen, even; I was just waiting for it to drop on my head. Soreni, they gave me a lot of good memories, so I gratefully thank for that. Like I said, they're still good friends to me. Especially Mas.
So, it might not seem much, but that's the reason why I'm not looking forward to school (much).
There's also the studying part, of course, but
some things are better not said not so much.
Besides. I still haven't found my timetable yet.
11:28 AM